The Hidden Strength of Tears
How Emotional Release Fosters Resilience
Tears play a crucial yet often overlooked role in a child's emotional development. In a world where tantrums top parenting concerns, the significance of tears in helping children process frustration and disappointment is often missed. When children are denied what they want, whether it’s a treat, or perhaps their turn in play, their tears serve as a natural release, signaling adaptation and emotional growth. These moments of sadness help children learn that they can survive life’s inevitable setbacks, fostering resilience along the way.
Tears have a biological purpose
Tears are more than just a physical response; they are a biological tool for emotional regulation. Emotional tears contain stress-related substances that help restore balance to the body. When a child recognises that something cannot be changed, the brain's limbic system activates the parasympathetic nervous system, triggering tears and a sense of relief. This process also releases oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” which counteracts cortisol, the body's primary stress chemical. When caregivers offer comfort, oxytocin levels increase further, reinforcing feelings of safety and connection.
Understanding the types of tears: sadness vs. frustration
Not all tears serve the same function. Sad tears, which emerge when frustration gives way to acceptance, are a key part of emotional growth. They help children let go of unfulfilled desires and move forward. In contrast, angry or frustrated tears often come with physical expressions like kicking, hitting, or shouting—common in young children who haven’t begin developing self-regulation skills. As children grow, words begin to replace these physical expressions, marking an important developmental shift. However, true emotional balance is only restored when frustration melts into sadness, allowing for genuine emotional resolution.
A concerning sign in childhood development is the absence of sadness or emotional expression. When children rarely display disappointment or sadness, it may indicate emotional defences have been erected in response to a stressful environment. Instead of punishing frustration-driven behaviours, parents and teachers should seek to understand the underlying emotions, helping children process their feelings rather than suppress them.
The Role of Caregivers in Emotional Growth
Parents and teachers play a vital role in guiding children through their emotional experiences. Instead of expecting young children to control their emotions on their own, adults must provide a safe space for emotional expression. Logical reasoning is ineffective in moments of distress; children need to feel heard and supported rather than dismissed with statements like "calm down," "stop crying," or "you’re ok." When a child is in this state of being, they are clearly not ‘ok’ and telling them otherwise is diminishing their experiences. Creating a non-judgemental environment where children can express their sadness allows them to develop trust in their caregivers, which is essential for emotional growth.
Dr Billy Garvey, a developmental paediatrician, emphasises that resilience is not about avoiding distress but learning how to process and recover from it. He highlights that children need emotionally attuned caregivers who can co-regulate with them, rather than simply instructing them to manage their emotions alone. By providing consistent, warm, and understanding responses to emotional distress, caregivers help build a child’s ability to self-regulate over time. Dr Billy also stresses that resilience is formed through relationships, not just individual coping strategies—meaning that a supportive, responsive adult is a key factor in a child's ability to navigate setbacks.
Creating a Safe Haven for Emotional Expression
A child’s tears are not a problem to be solved but a signal that they need support. Rather than silencing their emotions, caregivers should offer comfort and reassurance, recognising that small disappointments—like a denied request, or boundary held by a parent, caregiver, or teacher — are significant in a child's world. Being present and patient through these emotional moments teaches children that they are not alone in their struggles. This trust forms the foundation for long-term emotional resilience.
Interestingly, supporting children through their emotions also fosters growth in their parents and teachers. Holding space for a child's tears requires adults to regulate their own frustrations, increasing their own emotional maturity. By embracing these moments, we not only help children build resilience but also deepen our own capacity for empathy and understanding. In doing so, we teach children that emotions are not obstacles but experiences to be supported, laying the groundwork for emotional well-being throughout life.
I highly recommend Dr Billy’s podcast - LINK HERE.
By Traceylee Hooton